


your hands drive with steel

by fated_addiction



Category: K-pop, Korean Actor RPF, Real Person Fiction, SM Entertainment | SMTown, So Nyuh Shi Dae | Girls' Generation, 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: F/F, Friendship, Romance, comebacks and stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-12
Updated: 2015-11-12
Packaged: 2018-05-01 05:36:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5194169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fated_addiction/pseuds/fated_addiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>"Don't forget," Amber says cheerfully, over the phone. The voicemail stumbles a little. It's the signal and Amber laughs. "Soojungie likes her coffee black and gross. But get her a pastry too. It'll make this seem less war room like and more like, I don't know, a normal lunch? Fighting!"</i>
</p><p>Soojung gets involved. Taeyeon hates awkward lunches.</p>
            </blockquote>





	your hands drive with steel

Amber arranges it.

Taeyeon listens to the voicemail three times before she arrives at the cafe, a fourth when she picks a table because, you know, nerves. She keeps her jacket draped around her shoulders. Like an escape plan.

"Don't forget," Amber says cheerfully, over the phone. The voicemail stumbles a little. It's the signal and Amber laughs. "Soojungie likes her coffee black and gross. But get her a pastry too. It'll make this seem less war room like and more like, I don't know, a normal lunch? Fighting!"

All she can do is swallow.

 

 

 

 

 

When she decides she is going to do this, she told Tiffany first because, naturally, when you're about to embark on something stupid and equally fragile like meeting with Soojung, you have to tell the right person. So when they go to China, they finish their schedule, and in the dark of their shared hotel room, she confesses.

"I asked Amber to arrange a coffee date with Soojung."

Tiffany chokes in the other bed. "You did?"

"Yeah," Taeyeon says. "I did."

There is a pause. In her bed, Taeyeon tightens the blankets under her chin. Her eyes are wide and open. She counts backwards in her head as she waits for some kind of response, her teeth starting to pluck at her lip.

"Well," Tiffany says. "It had to be you first, I guess." She pauses and the tension in the room is a lot sharper, suddenly. "Are you sure Soojung is the right way to go about it?"

"I don't know," she replies quickly. She sighs and turns onto her back. She considers putting the television on for background noise. "But she might be the only way in. I've been thinking about this too long, I guess."

There is no response back. She hears Tiffany sigh in the dark. The bed rustles and then suddenly, feet hit the carpet and Tiffany is crawling into bed next to her. They turn towards each other, like they used to do when they were kids, both wide-eyed and a little sad.

Tiffany's fingers curl around Taeyeon's hand.

"Just," Tiffany starts. Then she stops. "Just remember to listen," she says.

It takes hours before Taeyeon is able to fall asleep.

 

 

 

 

 

Soojung runs late. Not by too much. She gets a frank text: _sorry, eonni -- shoot ran too long, close_ and all she can do is sigh, relieved that she's not going to sit here and wait to be stood up. Not that it was in Soojung's nature to do so; on the other side of it though, she would never blame her.

She has already ordered coffee. She signals the waitress to bring the pastry and Soojung's coffee as soon as she arrives. She remembers that Soojung likes her coffee black, but the sugar in her pastry. She fidgets in her seat. She turns her gaze to the window by their table and tries to reach and relax by studying the skyline. She knows exactly why she's nervous; this is the problem.

"Sorry."

Taeyeon jumps and Soojung slides into the chair across from her, haphazardly bowing and inexplicably polite. She manages a smile and Soojung drapes her purse over the chair behind her.

Her cheeks are flushed. "It's been a crazy day," the younger woman finishes. Her apology is written into her face. "Have you been waiting long?"

"No," Taeyeon murmurs. She manages a smile, signaling the waitress. "Do you want some water too?"

If Soojung is surprised, it never shows. She nods though, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Please," she says.

It takes a minute for her to settle, another minute for Taeyeon to resettle, and their waitress brings them the coffee, the pastry, and Taeyeon's refill with all smiles. Taeyeon turns her gaze to the window again, talking herself into calming down. Her eyes pick at the skyline and she bites her lip breathe, waiting until the waitress goes back downstairs and they're left alone in their area, quiet and without any excuses.

"Thank you for coming," she says awkwardly. "I really appreciate it."

"I was curious," Soojung replies honestly. "It's been a really long time since we have had any time to sit down."

There are no accusations in Soojung's voice. She's frank. When Taeyeon meets her gaze, there is steel in her eyes. She is terrible at reading her; there always been something infinitely intimidating about both Jung sisters and while Jessica was always steel and a smile, Soojung was all sharp edges and steel. A smile had to be earned.

"I've been pretty selfish with my time." Taeyeon swallows, smiling into her coffee cup. She tries to smile again, but then forces herself to take a sip. "And haven't been the best at checking up on you -- it hasn't exactly been the easiest for you either."

"You could just call her, you know," Soojung says.

Taeyeon looks surprised and Soojung wraps her hands around her coffee cup. Her head tilts to the side.

"Fix the thing you want to fix first, eonni," she continues and wisely. Taeyeon feels guilty. "I'll always be here," Soojung adds. "But please, please don't make this contrived or anything. If you want to talk about Sooyeon, let's talk about her. We can fix our relationship later."

It's the act of putting one foot in front of the other. The thought is so sharp and painful, that she doesn't know anything else; she stares at Soojung in awe, embarrassed that she's been caught, ashamed that the younger woman can basically see right through her. It's what makes Soojung so stupidly intimidating; there is nothing cruel about the way she sees people or life, for that matter, but everything seems to live around her so clearly.

"How is she?" Taeyeon cannot recognize her own voice, turning her head to the window. She forces herself to swallow.

"Busy." Soojung pauses and breaks off a piece of her pastry with a fork. "Exhausted," she says too. "Lonely, but she'd never admit that out loud. She's doing really, really well."

"I know." Taeyeon reaches for the sugar, playing with some of the packets in the tiny box. "I monitor," she confesses. 

"You could call her," Soojung repeats. There is amusement in her eyes. "Instead of being a creep, you know."

"And say what?" Taeyeon meets her gaze. "Soojung-ah," she says. "Your sister and I didn't exactly end anything on good terms."

Soojung shakes her head. "She doesn't hate any of you, eonni. She's sad. She's tired. She has a lot of regrets, but you all left her to gather her own pieces in front of the firing squad. Instead of seeing how you all could have moved passed this together, regardless of the outcome, you all closed ranks and that was that." Soojung is solemn too, leaning into the table, her chin resting in her palm. "She has a lot more to prove than the rest of you."

Taeyeon manages to smile weakly and look away. Her eyes burn a little.

"When did you grow up?" she asks, her voice cracking. "I still remember when you were just a bratty kid."

Soojung laughs and shrugs. "Life happens, I guess."

The conversation changes for a moment, back to work and safe places. She asks about Soojung's comeback and how the other f(x) girls are doing. Soojung asks about her album, of course, and the concerts that she's been doing. It's small talk. Taeyeon hates small talk, but this feels so inexplicably fragile that she forces herself to navigate through.

When Soojung's phone vibrates against the table, Taeyeon watches as she frowns and sighs. She says something about the practice room under her breath and leans back, digging into her bag and grabbing a set of keys.

"This is probably a stupid idea," she says. Taeyeon watches as Soojung pulls off a key from her key ring. "We're all staying with Amber tonight anyway because she's the closest to the practice room."

Soojung pushes the key across the table. She studies Taeyeon and then sighs.

"Fourteen sixty-three," she tells her. Soojung tucks her hair behind her ear. "The key is for the second door. She'll be home at eleven. She's taking a cab -- it might be nice if you make her dinner or something."

Then Soojung stands, grabbing her coffee that has now, somehow, been transferred into a to-go cup. She sips quickly and drags the strap of her purse over her head, smiling crookedly. It's too much for Taeyeon to process; her mouth moves with some kind of goodbye anyway.

The key sits at the center of the table, left behind.

 

 

 

 

 

The whole thing does not blow up in her face, nor are there any pictures of her coffee date with Soojung on the Internet, actually. Not that she couldn't navigate through it, but it's still something to expect. That feeling continues to carry over and into her supermarket trip, where she anxiously picks through vegetables and meet and nearly breaks down for takeout, which, she knows, would just be the worst and clumsier than she should be. She obsesses all the way into the car though, the drive over, and into the kitchen that the Jung sisters' share, all the while trying to tell herself that this isn't the worst idea she's ever had. To sum it up; her head's mess and she might lose it. This feels like a first date.

She starts cooking at around ten, just to be fair, and only snoops up the fridge and cabinets because she has to use them. There are various notes and dates that live against the surface. There is a card from their mother. An old reminder for f(x)'s comeback exhibit. Jessica is spelled out with bright, playful magnets. Taeyeon finds herself smiling at a polaroid of the two sisters, taped to the side of the fridge to. It takes awhile for the kitchen to start smelling like a home; she has to remind herself a billion times over what exactly Jessica likes -- not too salty, not too sweet, but a shot in the dark nonetheless.

Then she hears the door unlock somewhere in the front.

Her hands freeze.

"Soojung-ah?" There is a drop in the hallway. Her hands are shaking. "Soojungie," Jessica's voice sounds closer. "Please don't tell me that you're trying to burn down the kitchen again. Toast isn't that --"

It happens too fast for Taeyeon to really process in her mind. Jessica's voice transfers from the hallway to the living room, right to the kitchen and in front of her. All she knows is that she looks at her, directly at her, and she doesn't remember Jessica's eyes being this large, this bright, this beautiful, and it is doing strange things to her stomach.

"Hi," she says, after awhile. She struggles to keep her voice. "I made dinner?"

Jessica's expression is unreadable. Taeyeon stands and waits as she looks around the kitchen critically. Then she sighs.

"Good," she answers, finally. Jessica tucks her hair behind her ear. "I'm hungry."

This is how it starts.

 

 

 

 

 

Silence is inevitable; small talk is even worse. Taeyeon tries to think simply: _I can do this_ , she tells herself.

"How was Hawaii?" she says into a glass of wine, watching as Jessica picks at a few leaves of salad.

"Warm," Jessica answers. "Really pretty. Wish I could have stayed a little longer."

Taeyeon smiles crookedly. "I can imagine."

She leaves herself open to some kind of remark, hoping to see something familiar about Jessica, something she could latch onto. Instead, the other woman stares at her and expression remains guarded, not cold though, which is doing things to her head and heart that she doesn't know what to do with at all.

"Congratulations."

Jessica seems to sigh and decide on something. She brushes her bangs away from her eyes.

"For what?" Taeyeon asks reflexively, and this is something she doesn't know how to take. "Dinner?" she asks lightly too. "I just --"

"Your album," Jessica answers. She points to somewhere behind her. "I have it. I listen to it a lot."

"Oh." Taeyeon's gaze ducks. She feels shy. "Thank you."

Jessica shrugs. "It's the truth."

They fall into some kind of silence again. Jessica gives up on what's left of her salad and stands, bringing the dish to the kitchen sink. Her wine glass is left behind and Taeyeon studies her own plate, sighing between her teeth. She forces herself to stand and follow, bring her plate to the sink too.

She only reaches it halfway, stopping to watch Jessica with a stupid expression on her face, she's sure. It takes her another minute to realize that she's staring, gawking even, as Jessica leans into the sink, eyes closed and her hands framing the side. If she had to call it a moment, this would be it and she is torn between telling herself that Jessica, standing in this room, barefoot and in jeans, hair messily pulled back from earlier in the dinner, is the most beautiful thing she's ever seen and that's terrifying to her. It feels like an old habit, a secret that she's held onto from before, bubbling onto the surface -- not cruelly, never cruelly -- as a reminder that she is still holding onto this and this unspeakable urge to kiss her is nothing new. She cannot bring herself to say a thing either; Taeyeon is only good with words when it comes to songs.

So she puts the plate down next to Jessica and then slowly, quietly, grabs one of her hands. She tugs her to look at her and tries and smiles.

"I'm going to do something stupid," she says. She feels a little braver. "I know we should probably talk and I have a million things that I should say to you that are long overdue and I'm so, so sorry that I didn't call or reach out to you, but maybe those things can wait for a little longer."

She leans forward and pushes back a few strands of hair that have escaped the messy braid over Jessica's shoulder. Her thumb rubs against the patch of skin behind her ear and Jessica makes this soft, soft sound that Taeyeon barely hears.

"You're a mess," Jessica murmurs, searching her gaze. "And you should have called."

Taeyeon laughs and it's a little choked. "Yell at me later," she murmurs, and leans in, covering Jessica's mouth with her own.

There is something insanely intimidating about kissing, about realizing that she's kissing Jessica and knowing that there is going to be an aftermath to this decision. But her brain isn't present and rationality leaves everything in her behind when Jessica's tongue rolls into her mouth, against her own.

The truth is that she tastes exactly how she imagined her to taste and if that's a confession, it's an age-old confession that she's held onto for a really long time. She draws herself up to full height, over Jessica, and bites the other woman's lip, licking the inside of her mouth, stealing sighs and soft, tufts of breathing. Her leg sinks in between both of Jessica's and there's a hand in Taeyeon's hair, pulling her curls loose.

She lets a hand fall to Jessica's hip and slide underneath her shirt. It doesn't matter who breaks away first; she tries to swallow back the pounding of her heart.

"Well." She clears her throat. "I -- yeah."

Jessica laughs, shaking her head. "I don't what to say."

"We should probably talk about it," Taeyeon murmurs, voice strained.

"Or do it again," Jessica's dry.

Taeyeon laughs, like real laughs, and feels a little lighter and heavier at the same time. She's amassed a lot of contradictory nerves over the years; she decides to just pull Jessica closer.

"That too," she quips. Her voice still trembles and Jessica smiles, amused. She shakes her head. "But we should really talk."

And little by little, the mask on Jessica's face starts to fall apart. There's a long, tense pause and she watches as Jessica breathes, dropping her forehead to rest against hers and then pulling back just as quickly.

"A day at a time," she says. "That's what I can give you right now." Jessica seems to settle on something else. "We have a lot of work to do anyway, right?"

"A day at a time," Taeyeon repeats, nodding.

They link hands then. Taeyeon tries not to think about mouths and long fingers and lets Jessica pull her to the living room, dishes and dinner forgotten. Jessica's moves are more pronounced, careful even, but somehow, the two of them end up on the couch and Jessica tucks a blanket around the two of them.

Her voice is sharp again. And shy. Which is fine. Because Taeyeon's mouth is buzzing and her head is still spinning like crazy. And, after a very long moment, they settle on a movie and she feels awkward and tense and comfortable all at the same time. She's too shy to find Jessica's hand again, but relaxes when the other woman's head drops against her shoulder.

Jessica gives her a very small piece.

"It's a good start," she says.


End file.
